My heart pounds as I take the steps three at a time. I don’t know where I’m going except up. Out.
I don’t stop running until I reach the heavy metal door at the top of the staircase and push past it. My chest is heaving, my pulse racing a mile a minute. The door shuts behind me with a loud clunk, and a sinking feeling melts through me. I try the door handle.
Fuck.
Fuck.
Panic surges through me, and then disappears as an overwhelming sense of exhaustion sinks into my body. I’m still gasping, but at least now I’m gasping in the cool night air. The sounds of New York City surround me, but from a distance. They can’t reach me.
I slump down onto the asphalt roof with my back against the door. I wonder for a moment if my boyfriend, Jason, will come looking for me when he wakes up in the morning. I don’t want to explain to him the suffocation I felt lying next to him in bed, so fierce and crushing I’d had some sort of panic attack.
“Please tell me you didn’t just lock us both up here.” I nearly jump out of my nightdress. Wide eyes shoot to the woman standing above me, arms crossed, a book in one hand. I can’t see much in the dark, but her pale skin seems to reflect the surrounding light, and her blonde hair practically emits a glow of its own. Her left arm is covered in tattoos, along with her knee.
“Wh-what?” I stammer, still getting over the shock of seeing another person up here well past midnight.
“The paper,” the woman sighs, exasperated. “Did you wedge it back in the lock?” I shake my head.
“I’m sorry,” I pant, on the verge of crying. “I didn’t see a paper, I was kind of in a rush, and…” To my absolute mortification, my voice breaks and tears well in my eyes.
“I’m sorry,” I choke. “I’m sorry, I’m so sorry…” A look of concern overtakes the woman’s soft features.
“Hey, hey, It’s okay.” She kneels in front of me, putting a hand on my knee, which I’m hugging like a child. “You’re okay. What’s going on?”
I don’t want to tell her, but then again I want, I need, to tell someone. I wipe my tears and take a deep breath to steady myself. It takes a second to find my voice.
“My boyfriend proposed today,” I admit shakily. The woman looks at me with an eyebrow quirked.
“And you’re upset about that?”
“No!” I say quickly, then, “yes. I care about him a lot, but spending the rest of my life with him just feels…”
“Suffocating?” she answers for me. My eyes widen.
“How did you know?” The woman chuckles.
“What’s your name, babe?” My cheeks flush a little warm at the question, but I’m not sure why. It’s probably cold up here. It’s summer, but the wind can get pretty brutal blowing through a concrete forest.
“Savannah.”
“Well, Savannah,” she starts. “My name’s Ashley. I had a similar experience a few years back. I dated a guy who wanted more than I did.”
“What happened?” I couldn’t help but ask. Ashley let out a small whistle.
“Too much to tell. In short, I realized I’m a lesbian, dumped him, and we both moved on.” My lips part in surprise. I’ve never met anyone who said they realized they’re gay. The few queer friends I have talk about knowing their whole lives, coming out at nine or ten. I can’t imagine living more than twenty years and not knowing you’re attracted to women.
“I’m not gay,” I say on instinct. Ashley scoffs at me, actually scoffs.
“I’m not saying you are. All I’m saying is, I get feeling suffocated by a relationship.”
“But I shouldn’t feel suffocated!” I exasperate. “He’s the perfect guy. My parents love him. My friends love him. Even my dog loves him!”
“But do you love him?” Ashley asks.
“Of course I do.” But even as I say it, I know it’s not true.
~ * * * ~
“I see a lot of myself in you,” Ashley muses. “Let me ask you something. What does it feel like when you have sex with him?” My face burns.
“I don’t hardly think that’s any of your business,” I sputter, taken aback by the question. “I don’t even know you.”
“Exactly. So you have nothing to lose.” I feel like I should argue, but I just don’t have the energy. So I answer her.
“I don’t know. Good?” Ashley inclines her head, and I know she wants me to go on. “I mean, it doesn’t feel bad. It’s more like I’m constantly waiting for it to start feeling good. It’s like a performance. Women just don’t have the same sex drive as men,” I add. Ashley shakes her head.
“That’s not what sex should be like.” Her tone is low and raspy, taking me by surprise. “It should feel like a rollercoaster, like waves crashing and falling. It should be uncontrollable, feral passion.” She places a hand on my lower stomach. The night air has suddenly heated up. “It should burn in your core.” Something in my stomach is actually burning, so hot it almost hurts. But it feels good.
“Has he ever even made you come?” she whispers darkly, leaning into my personal space. I shrug my shoulders, unwilling to tell the truth. I don’t know.
Ashley’s eyes grow wide. “Have you ever made yourself come?” I scrunch up my nose at that.
“Don’t be ridiculous.”
“Holy fuck, Savannah.” She’s so close to me now I can feel her hot breath against my jaw. And then, the lightest brush of her lips. I have to stop myself from squirming. I almost can’t. The sensation of craving is overwhelming. I want her closer. So, so much closer. But I can’t be gay… right?
“I can help fix that.” Her voice is like gravel. “If you let me.”
Ashley trails her lips across my jaw with purpose this time, and I really do squirm. She closes her lips and plants tiny kisses up my jawline until I feel something warm and wet snake along the shell of my ear. I puff out a breath. It was supposed to sound unamused, but it resembled more of a gasp.
“Can I kiss you?” I should try the door again. I should get up and walk to the other side of the roof. I should just say no.
Instead, I say, “what if somebody sees?”
“They won’t,” Ashley promises with a kiss to my neck. “It’s dark.” Another kiss, this one back on my jaw. “And we’re up here all alone.” One final kiss to the corner of my mouth. Still, I hesitate. This is so, so wrong. That’s what I’ve always been told. By my parents, by Jason, everyone. But how can something so bad feel so damn good?
“Kiss me,” Ashley groans, “and I’ll show you what sex is supposed to feel like.” Maybe it’s the glass of wine I drank earlier, or the isolation I’ve been feeling recently, or maybe this is what I’ve wanted all along. Whatever the reason, when Ashley pulls at my hips, I don’t pull away. I let her guide my legs so that I’m sitting in her lap, straddling her.
And then, she’s kissing me. And I’m kissing her back, with more passion and desperation and want than I’ve ever felt with Jason. Or any man, for that matter.
I have to hand it to Ashley; she knows how to kiss. When her tongue traces my lower lip, I don’t even hesitate before opening my mouth for her. The warm muscle slides into my mouth and, without thinking, I groan into her’s.
I should probably be embarrassed, but when Ashley pulls me even closer like that sound had an effect on her, all I feel is pleasure. Feral, animalistic pleasure.
Ashley pulls away, and I find myself chasing her lips, only to feel them on my neck. I let out a hiss at the sensation. She opens her mouth and pulls the skin into her mouth. I jolt, panicked, terrified she’ll mark me, but then she lets go gently. Her lips trail wet, hot, open-mouthed kisses up my neck. Her hand tangles in my hair and tilts my head to get a better angle, leaving me absolutely panting in her lap.
I don’t even realize I’m grinding my hips into her’s until she grabs them and guides the motion for me. Her hands then trail up beneath my dress. I’m suddenly very conscious of the fact that I’m wearing a nightgown with no bra. If she takes it off, I’ll be left in only my panties.
“Is this okay?” she asks.
“Please.”
That’s all I can say. And so she does, lifting the garment over my head and tossing it off to the side.
Ashley doesn’t touch me. She just sits there, taking in my admittedly small breasts and unimpressive frame. A wave of self-consciousness crashes over me, and I move to cover myself with my arms, but she grabs my wrists.
“Don’t,” she whispers. “You’re so fucking beautiful.” My cheeks heat up, and I’m about to say something when her head drops to my right breast and the words slip my brain. I tangle my hands in her hair as she sucks a nipple into her mouth, kneading it with her tongue, pulling at it with her teeth until a hardened peak forms. Then, she moves to the other one while pinching and rolling the right between her fingers.
“So fucking beautiful,” she mutters over a mouthful of my breast. “And so god damn sexy.” I want her to kiss me, to kiss lower, to keep doing exactly what she’s doing and never stop. I settle for plucking at her long-sleeved top.
“I want this off of you,” I plead. “Now.” I feel Ashley’s lips curve into a smirk before I see it. She pulls the top over her head and tosses it to the side with my nightgown. She then removes her bra, letting her large breasts spill free. She moves to kiss me again, but I pull away.
“We’re still not even,” I mutter, even though I’m dying to get my hands on those tits. Ashley laughs.
“Alright, fine. But that means you have to get off of me.”
“No,” I pout. Ashley rolls her eyes with a wide grin and grabs onto my back. I’m weightless for a moment as she guides me onto my back in front of her. I lay there while she struggles to pull off her jeans.
“Would you hurry up?” I gasp, mourning the loss of her touch. Ashley laughs again.
“Desperate, are we?” I glare at her indignantly, but then she’s on top of me and every thought in my head disappears.
“I need to taste you,” Ashley says, much to my shock.
“Like, with your mouth?” Good one, Savannah.
Ashley raises an eyebrow, then shakes her head. “Of course you’ve never been eaten out. Trust me, you’re going to love this.” All of the nerves in my mind wash away as soon as she starts kissing her way down my neck, then my breasts, then my stomach, taking her time and tracing every curve with her tongue.
When she finally reaches the place between my legs, she looks up at me with a raw, wild look in her eyes. Her tongue glides out and licks a stripe up my panties. A shiver passes through me, rippling pleasure coursing through my veins. Ashley then takes her time dragging my panties down my legs before spreading them apart and pressing her mouth… to my inner thigh.
I can’t help but buck my hips into the air, one hand buried in my own hair. Ashley holds my hips down and continues the onslaught of kisses on my thighs. I’m so turned on, I’m afraid I might actually leave a puddle on the asphalt. If Ashley doesn’t keep her promise soon, I might have to figure out how to do it myself.
Ashley plants the lightest kiss to my mound, and I can’t take it anymore. Any dignity I had is gone, replaced by this need to feel her.
“Ashley, please!” I beg, grabbing her head in an attempt to push it closer to my skin.
“What do you want?” Ashley husks. I let out a groan of frustration.
“You know what I want,” I whine, but somehow I know that isn’t enough.
Just as I suspected, “I want to hear you say it.”
“Ashley…”
“Say it, or I’ll stand up right now and go back to my book. I was at a very interesting scene. The protagonist and her roommate were about to-”
“Oh my god, Ashley,” I gasp. “Fuck me. Please, fuck me with your mouth.”
Ravenous pleasure spreads across Ashley’s face, and she does exactly that.
She dives into my pussy like it’s Thanksgiving dinner and she hasn’t eaten in days. Hungry. Desperate. Savage. It genuinely seems like she enjoys it, like my arousal is the most delicious thing she’s ever tasted. She moans, actually moans, against my cunt.
Ashley wraps her arm around my right thigh and pushes the other wide. Her tongue hits my clit for the first time, and my body quakes with a burning pleasure. Then, I feel a finger slide into me, then another, and then the most wonderful sensation I’ve ever felt. She curls her fingers inside me, something a dick could never do, and hits a spot deep inside that I neve even knew existed.
“Oh my god, Ashley,” I cry out. “Please, oh god, don’t stop!”
A pressure like I’ve never felt before is building rapidly in my lower stomach as a wave crashes through me. Is this what an orgasm feels like? Did I just come for the first time? But no, because that pressure is still building, my breathing is growing more unsteady, and my nails are digging hard into Ashley’s scalp as she licks my dripping cunt. The sight of her face buried between my legs is what finally makes that pressure snap like a rubberband.
“Oh my god,” I yell, not caring who hears, as if anyone could. “Oh my god. Ashley, oh my god!” I keep repeating the phrase; it’s all I can say as wave after wave of pure, unexplainable pleasure crashes through my entire body. My legs are shaking, my thighs clamped against Ashley’s head, my pussy squeezing her fingers for every bit of sensation they can give as she continues to pump hard and fast inside me.
By the time Ashley slows her movements, I’m gasping for air as my legs continue to shake. When she crawls up my body, I can’t even open my eyes for a minute. I just smile stupidly until I finally catch my breath and look at her.
“Fucking hell, Ashley,” I moan. She smiles at me.
“That good, huh? Woah, what are you-” I flip her over onto her back, straddling her hips with my knees. She looks satisfied with what she did for me, but I can still see the lust lingering in her eyes. I long to satisfy it however I can.
“Teach me?”